The coffee said it right there on the package; Paradise is where I am.” Ha! Bologna! How can that be? It sure doesn’t feel like paradise when your heads spinning with the bewilderment of it all.
It was time. After eleven years of youth ministry the job we never thought we’d leave was not our calling any longer. How did we know?
• We lost motivation.
• We noticed our conversations during the week shifting from child centered ministry topics to adult centered ministry topics.
• Unsettled feeling. We were growing uncomfortable in our comfort zone.
• Our productivity had dropped.
• A fire began stirring inside of us that we can’t quench but have no outlet of release as the pressure builds.
So with certainty, and I won’t lie – a bit of fear; Josh resigned youth ministry last fall.
Whew! That was a load off! You know that amazing piece God gives when you are in perfect obedience with Him.
Now?
Hmmm…
It feels more like we’re stuck in a game of pin the tail on the donkey. Blindfolded and dizzy trying to find our way.
If you think it sounds like I’m pouting you’d be right. I’m the grumpiest pin the tail on the donkey contestant you’ll ever meet.
I like to know where I’m going and what’s to be expected of me. I also like – no – need to feel useful. And doesn’t everyone need to feel they have a purpose and a place?
The aha moment hit about here. When I bounced my thought off a wizened christian woman she disagreed. While I respect her thoughts I still can’t shake the feeling that she’s wrong about this one.
Is this valley another lesson in serving because He loves me, not so He will love me?
I’ve learned of a couple of fine lines we Christians kinda have trouble finding balance on.
A. The line between law and love. We get hung up on one and forget the significance of the other.
B. The line between works and faith. Again, we get hung up on one and forget the significance of the other.
I don’t know about any of you, but I get to feeling like I am such a mistake that I go about trying to makeup for it. And if that isn’t an insult to the blood; I don’t know what is.
The wizened Christian doesn’t think God likes siestas. She likened it to car shopping. “Does God care if you buy a car? Yes”, she said. “Does he care what color it is? No.” So if I heard this right; God cares if we serve but, isn’t picky about how we serve? And that just sounded absurd to me.
I don’t know how this is going to all turn out. I wasn’t sure it was something I could write with authority on, because I’m still feeling a bit bewildered.
I started the coffee and stood at the sink to wait for the ready beep. The snow flakes were falling fine and fast but you know the way they slow and twirl right next to the glass of the window? It’s like they’re dancing for you!
I’ve got approximately 22 minutes and 14 seconds to be alone with God before the kids start trickling down the stairs, and the house is filled with “No! It’s my turns.” and “What’s for breakfast?”. I don’t think I’ll do a thing. I’ll just set and be with He who created to have communion with me. Paradise is where you are. Yeah, maybe so. So far as earth is concerned anyway.
A Relentless Surrender 
Goodness. How many days in my life have I struggled with this very issue.
About seven months ago, I had one of the scariest days of my life. Darkness took complete control of my thoughts. I don’t mean that it was just a grey day for me, it was black. Feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, hollowness. Feeling completely without a purpose, a failure. I have a servants heart and wasn’t serving anywhere that I felt was touching anyone’s lives.
It just so happened that both of my ministers were in the town that I work in, and came to talk with me. A moment that I needed right then, more than they will ever know. They both helped me start to see my worth, my affect of others, my value. It was the next day that I went to the bookstore and found “Your Beautiful Purpose” by Susie Larson. This book gave me a pivot point for my life. Showing me that I do indeed have a purpose. Shortly after these few black days, the skies turned a little lighter and I began to find my way to serve, and feel purposeful in doing it.
I love you dearheart. Hang in there. I know the struggles, and can easily relate. Call or text anytime. ❤️
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I am sorry to hear but released to not be alone. The fact that I want to serve with Josh is incredible. I disposed the idea of him being a pastor and I never dreamed I would be onboard with it. Through surrendering to Gods will not only have I gotten on board there is a fire within me. We both feel Gods calling and purpose but can’t figure out where to go with it. We aren’t fitting at our church anymore but where do we go? However I can’t stop thinking of Joseph. He knew he had a calling but it took years and a path he never planned on the get there. Yet, he was faithful the whole time.
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Gina, I know this feeling. So much of my life has been spent struggling to find my purpose. And so often, just when I thought I had, life would shift. Lol Right now, we are working on living by faith while we wait for God to open doors to the dreams He’s put inside us for a youth outreach center. He has the perfect plan and the perfect timing for all things. But, oh, that waiting part! Hard on us humans! Praying for you as He directs you and Josh’s path.
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Very honest. Can’t tell you how many times I have been there.
Jesus took breaks in (active) ministry; the one I think that was the most striking was the 40 day period. We don’t hear much about it do we? I do not think it was a cake walk or the 3 temptations would not have been significant.
Now this may seem a contradiction – a missionary I served with told me “we are always in service whether on the field or not.”
We are a light every single day to our children, our spouses, our neighbors, fellow bloggers, people at the grocery store…
Await your next mission and know that right now you are being prepped with loving hands.
Much love 🙂
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You said it so well. I agree! It’s a hard lesson I’m always needing a refresher in.
I feel like God is reminding me that mothering my 3 and being a wife to my husband is ministering.
Come what may or may not I am and this is enough.
Thank you for your words; sweet like honey.
In Him,
Gina
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