heart | A Relentless Surrender

Confession: I don’t always feel lovable–or even likeable; to the point of creating an idol out of others approval. I have spent many a long nights laying in bed regretting comments I’ve made. I have chosen to do things at a high cost in effort of earning approval or love. Too high of a cost.

You know all those beautiful things God says about how much He loves us? I believe they are true… For you. And I walk around measuring myself up. I’ve never been good enough, thin enough, kind enough, a good enough wife, mother, friend… Being perfect is exhausting! Let alone impossible. So here I am, unworthy. Unworthy of blessings. Unworthy of position. Unworthy of love…

I just finished doing 30 Days of Praying God’s Names with Tony Evans. I was amazed at the new names for God that I had never heard before. When I tried to count the names of God I came to 235. I am certain that isn’t exactly accurate but I think we can all agree that there are gobs. Me? If you count my maiden name I have four. If my name determined who I was to be as in the days of the Bible; I’d be a renowned tiller of the soil. Mom and Dad thanks for not making me a mediocre or an inferior tiller of the soil.

Not God though. His names have meaning. They are all an attribute of God. You may or may not know who I am based on my four names but it takes hundreds to even begin to know who God is. King Solomon said, “The heavens and the highest heavens can’t even contain you, but you are going to dwell in this temple I’ve built!” That got me thinking about another verse I’ve read: “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?” Corinthians 6:19 And I’m all, “The heavens, the highest heavens, and even Solomon’s Temple couldn’t contain you but you’re dwelling in me?!

We have established that God is indescribable, uncontainable, and once we are saved He is dwelling in us. I’m thinking we should ditch the scales, toss the ruler and just seek our worth in the Bible.

Amber. Now that’s a girl who knows where a person’s value comes from. You know what she told the homeless girl she brought home? “God sees you and I am proof he sees you. He sent me to help you because you matter.”

I can’t stop thinking about how God saw that scrawny dirty little shepherd boy. David mattered. I doubt many thought the girl running the brothel was measuring up to much either but God saw her heart and He thought Rahab mattered enough to be an ancestor to Christ. You can find yourself running far from home tending your father-in-laws sheep, You can find yourself in the belly of a fish at the bottom of the ocean; God sees you, wants to use you and says you matter. You’ve lost hope? Yeah, so did Sarah. That didn’t stop God from blessing her.

When God told Samuel that he seen as man but God sees the heart. I think that applies to how we see ourself. I get so busy beating myself up for all the ways I don’t measure up I don’t even know my own heart, but God does. He finds us at the bottom of the ocean, in the dark ugly of the red-light district, and wallowing in hopelessness. He sees our hearts and he claims them.

On the way home from a ministry conference in Tulsa, I listened to fidgety kids and Josh telling me about one of his sessions. He said that the minister who was teaching told of how he and his expecting wife spent a week working youth camp. In the middle of the night, 3:33 to be exact, his wife woke him up and told him she was losing the baby. On the way to the hospital the car was silent and they believed that they were about to experience the ugliest of here.

Back at camp they gathered to pray. They didn’t say, “we will pray for them in the morning.” or “everyone remember them in prayer.” They got out of bed; blurry-eyed and held hands as they burst into the presence of God on behalf of ther friends. The speakers question to his pupils was, “who here is at 3:33?”

And my question to you is: who do you know at 3:33? You? Your mom? Your grandpa? A friend? A stranger you found on social media?

I’ve had to do a lot of growing over the last few years. During my efforts to “Moses out” He met me at every handicap I informed Him I have, and some I didn’t realize I had. He began etching me into a better person for His calling.

One of those handicaps was/is prayer. I have to set alarms or I’m likely to make it through the day without talking personally, one on one with God.

“I’ll pray for you.” Was a line I was accustomed to saying. As you can imagine; God wasn’t ok with that. I threw Him all my excuses. “You know I can’t just kneel here in the middle of the mall and pray right?” “I can’t bow and drive.” “I’m shy.” “It’s uncomfortable.” “What if I make them uncomfortable?”

I learned that during prayer—actually lets make that life; the posture of your heart is a lot more important than the posture of your body.

I learned God don’t care much about our comfort either… Does He Paul?

Seems like the more my prayer life improves the more people God entrusts for me to pray for.

Today skimming Instagram; my heart ached as I read a short comment left on another bloggers post. A request for prayer. Our sister who we’ve never met was asking for prayer for her 10-year-old daughter who received a brain tumor diagnosis.

Just a few hours before that I was talking to a mentor whose sister has advanced pancreatic cancer.

Maybe life’s looking good for you right now, but you’d have to be blind not to see a 3:33 anywhere.

It’s not a resolution it’s a requisition. This isn’t something we purpose to do then get to let our ambitions fade. There’s ugency here. You may fail but you must get. back. up.

I’m noticing two different kinds of friends in the Bible.

Jesus told the man with palsy, whose friends literally tore the roof off the place to get him to Christ, because their faith was through the roof; that because of his friends’ faith, “take up your mat and walk.”

Oh Job’s friends? Sure, they felt sorry for him. They tore their cloths and sat silently for seven days with him. They were even more than happy to help him get to the bottom of the situation by suggesting all the ways he must have blew it, but in the end; Job was the one praying for them. Seems kinda backward doesn’t it.

My timers set for 3:33. My prayer list can feel overwhelmingly long, and that shows me just how big God really is.

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