For When You are Afraid of Faith


The saying goes, “If her head wasn’t attached she’d lose it.” Well… that’s me. I don’t think it was ever intended to be a saying, but more a prophecy of my coming. I love lists, but more than that; I need lists. They keep me sane, motivated and showing up to birthday parties. All that to say, schedules and lists are important to me. That’s why I was able to morph from smiling, Bless the Lord oh my soul oh oh my soul homeschool mommy to a foul, one day at a time sweet Jesus hairstylist when a client called and needed her hair done before noon and my to-do list was already suffocating me.

Not five minutes after she planted herself in my chair I realized, maybe this wasn’t really an urgent hair appointment. Yeah. The tears gave that away. I stand there looking at this tiny woman with this enormous heart and no room for God, and I feel so Moses. “God give me words because I’m socially awkward and God, this is why I told you I couldn’t be a ministers wife.” I ask if it would be ok for me to pray with her.

Then there’s the faith fear. You know, the I have faith but what if God chooses opposite of what we see as “our good” and she thinks me and my God are hogwash? Lets face it, sending your boy off to war has consequences. Just ask 5,281 soldiers Mommas and Daddies about that.

What if? Am I going to be responsible for false hope?

So what do you say when God is outside of time and we are not? He has no time but we feel time is all we got. And  how much time does she have on this earth with this child?

But we pray and hug and I wonder what’s going to come of all of this. I want her to be saved. She wants God to save her boy but not her soul. I see a lot of losing in all this winning. I mean I was blessed to share prayer with her but I feel like I missed the mark, because what do we have if we gain the whole world but lose our soul?

I do know this. Jesus has a heart for what in the big picture may look like the small stuff. No being a mommy don’t amount to a hill of beans compared to being saved. And I guess losing your farm don’t amount to much next to losing heaven. But the God who became flesh and dwelt among us as fully man… He gets it. He heart-pounding bloody-sweat kind of gets it. He is a restoring two fold kind of God. He is a barren woman conceiving twins, lame walking, eyesight giving kind of God. When overwhelmed with faith fears whisper it ,shout it, pen it down; The Lord is not slack in His promises… Peter 3:9

I am so glad that God is outside of time and don’t give a flying flip about my lists or agenda.


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