I want to keep it real here so I’ll start with my own confession.

I’ve managed to make it all the way to mid week without cracking my Bible open. It’s not just any ole week either. For the first time ever I purposed not to decorate for Christmas until after Thanksgiving, because I had this grand vision of a holy and meaningful way to celebrate and teach my first world kids what true thanksgiving is. (Maybe I’ll post the devotions I created for each week of Thanksgiving month eventually.) We made it through week one! Then the ball was dropped and here we are at the big day; my trees still tucked away and so is my Bible.

I can give you all my excuses: We’ve had a lot going on with church, family and homeschool. I have had sick children for the last 3 days. I’ve been doing laundry and trying to Lysol and Clorox our home to heavenly purity. Truth be told, the Bible hasn’t left the shelf in three days and that basically means my goal of heavenly purity has been a big fail.

Somehow amongst all the rocking babies and praying for their healing I’ve managed to become a hypocrite.

I tell the kids, “Make your Christmas list, but remember not to beg for stuff like you are entitled to it. I want to know what you want. We love giving you good gifts but we must remember that we are blessed. Be thankful.”
It occurred to me. I have acted entitled this week. I have prayed for friends, family, my children. I have been stressing over the menu, calendar, and the steam mop that I believed had bit the dust right when all three of my children’s bodies were purging a virus.

Oh yeah! I put it on the fridge. “It’s not happy people who are thankful; its thankful people who are happy.” I’ve counted a few gifts in my gratitude journal. It’s been pretty superficial though. I’m left feeling like a heinously entitled brat.
I’ve found myself frustrated at the carelessness of the sick person who “I just know” exposed us. I’ve pouted at the times I’ve had to dump the buckets. I’ve been angry about the trash piling up, and I’ve been sad that Josh has been gone most waking hours this week; leaving me to deal alone.

I’ve done a lot of praying though — sick kids will do that you know. Luckily for me, God is much more patient than I am. I don’t deal well with needy begging children. God has lovingly tolerated-no indulged me and all my whiny begging. The kids are almost good as new. I even figured out how to fix the mop.

God is so graciously generous with all good things. I may have sent my kids to bed after a good scolding if they had been so disrespectful to me. God just lovingly meets all my request then some.

And if He hadn’t? That makes my heart ache.

Do I really get it? “It’s not happy people who are thankful; its thankful people who are happy.”

How big are we talking here? Like the mop? Sure! I could totally get a new mop.

If we are still keeping it real here though; I’d have to be honest and say, I sure am thankful that God is a giver of good gifts. I’m thankful He doesn’t give me what I deserve. I am most thankful He is patiently, lovingly, mercifully graciously moving me to a place where I can say, “God is good, so this must be for the best.”

The saying goes, “If her head wasn’t attached she’d lose it.” Well… that’s me. I don’t think it was ever intended to be a saying, but more a prophecy of my coming. I love lists, but more than that; I need lists. They keep me sane, motivated and showing up to birthday parties. All that to say, schedules and lists are important to me. That’s why I was able to morph from smiling, Bless the Lord oh my soul oh oh my soul homeschool mommy to a foul, one day at a time sweet Jesus hairstylist when a client called and needed her hair done before noon and my to-do list was already suffocating me.

Not five minutes after she planted herself in my chair I realized, maybe this wasn’t really an urgent hair appointment. Yeah. The tears gave that away. I stand there looking at this tiny woman with this enormous heart and no room for God, and I feel so Moses. “God give me words because I’m socially awkward and God, this is why I told you I couldn’t be a ministers wife.” I ask if it would be ok for me to pray with her.

Then there’s the faith fear. You know, the I have faith but what if God chooses opposite of what we see as “our good” and she thinks me and my God are hogwash? Lets face it, sending your boy off to war has consequences. Just ask 5,281 soldiers Mommas and Daddies about that.

What if? Am I going to be responsible for false hope?

So what do you say when God is outside of time and we are not? He has no time but we feel time is all we got. And  how much time does she have on this earth with this child?

But we pray and hug and I wonder what’s going to come of all of this. I want her to be saved. She wants God to save her boy but not her soul. I see a lot of losing in all this winning. I mean I was blessed to share prayer with her but I feel like I missed the mark, because what do we have if we gain the whole world but lose our soul?

I do know this. Jesus has a heart for what in the big picture may look like the small stuff. No being a mommy don’t amount to a hill of beans compared to being saved. And I guess losing your farm don’t amount to much next to losing heaven. But the God who became flesh and dwelt among us as fully man… He gets it. He heart-pounding bloody-sweat kind of gets it. He is a restoring two fold kind of God. He is a barren woman conceiving twins, lame walking, eyesight giving kind of God. When overwhelmed with faith fears whisper it ,shout it, pen it down; The Lord is not slack in His promises… Peter 3:9

I am so glad that God is outside of time and don’t give a flying flip about my lists or agenda.