This year is winding down and I’m pondering all its held. I chose Psalm 34:8 taste and see as my theme and goal for the year. I wanted to live brave and trust God and see He is good.
I have some trust issues.
When lots of bad things have happened to you it’s not hard to imagine, ponder, dwell on what bad might happen. This has caused me to live safely. It has also cause me to live not trusting, not tasting and not seeing how good God is.
So as wild as this may sound; I’ve let the kids go in the car with their father—without me. All three—at the same time. I know! Crazy right?! And Not once did a police officer show up on my door step to tell me I’m now all alone in the world.
I’ve also left town for an entire weekend with my husband leaving my children here with their Nana and Popie. I left them three complete, all-parts-intact children and returned to three complete, all-parts-intact children!
Truth is, this lessons a lesson I’ve had to review many times over the years.
Three years ago, my sister and I took our kids down to a little waterhole to splash. We had 4 children between us at the time. The oldest being 6, Hudson was the youngest at two weeks shy of his second birthday. This little pool was perfect for our tiny crew. It’s deepest was maybe 24 inches. It had a little tiny pool to one side where the water was only two or three inches. That’s where Hudson and I planted ourselves to splash and play. He was throwing rocks in the water and I was pretending the tiny water splashes were startling me. With every jump and shiver he burst into those baby giggles that sound almost painful.
Next thing I know Jailyn is shouting my name followed by Hudson’s. I look up to see my 1 year old baby struggling to get above the water. I ran after him as fast as you can run in 24 inches of water. A current I didn’t realize even existed was sweeping him away faster than I could claw at the creek bed to reach him. By the time I caught up to him he was floating motionless and limp in water that was now at my waist. I fought my way back to the shore looking at all the 10+ people who were standing there frozen in horror. I remember falling repeated times and pleading for one of the horrified spectators to help me. I remember a warmth on my arm as I fell one of those times. I reach the shore flipped him over assuming I would be doing CPR on my limp baby. When I saw his Eyes were open I said, “HUDSON?!” He moved his glassy eyes to my face. I said, “are you okay?!” He, still in shock, responded with a short and shaky, “yeah”.
I don’t remember a lot after; just clips of life like how I sank to my knees in a crumpled heap when I tried to get out of the car that day. I remember laying in bed sobbing telling Josh, “God had spared our child but someone somewhere had not been, and how that made me feel guilty.” The clip that replayed in my mind the most was the fall in the river when I felt the warmth on my arm. I believe, no, I know that God caused me to stumble and Heimlich my son.
I feel very vulnerable sharing this. The lump in my throat is still as big and painful as it was three years ago. I remember two weeks later when Hudson turned two how a friend thought it would be funny to crack a joke about buying him a life jacket. People who love you can make hurtful comments with good intentions. I bucked up against writing this for that very reason. It opens me up to the possibility that a well intended person may take it upon themselves to help me see how I need more faith or to give in an area where they think I need to budge.
I remember laying in bed night after night trying to figure it all out, because God had stirred me. Sure we’ve had other traumas and we’ve recovered, but God was dealing with me through this one. God was tired of asking me to trust. He shook me and said, “Trust me! Because you are negligent! You think you are living safe, but you are living the most dangerous!”
The lesson of trust has had to be given to me time and time again.
A few nights ago I used my two edged sword to inform my husband of all the ways He and God are disappointing me right now. The next morning I woke with the hangover. Not the one induced by alcohol. The one brought on by the conscience battling it out with your pride.
Doesn’t it all come down to trust?
Do I trust God?
Do I trust Josh?
Isn’t that where it all went wrong in the first place. Adam and Eve didn’t trust God. They thought he was withholding something good from them. Do I really believe God, or Josh, is withholding good from me? That just sounds ridiculous.
Everyday of every life ever since the garden, God has been trying to reestablish relationship with humanity. He pulled the children out of Egypt to say, “Look, you can trust me.” That didn’t last long though did it??? …Before they were believing God was withholding good again. They wound up enduring a lot of pain due to their negligence and “living safe”.
Why am I such a slow learner? I’m prayerfully considering 2015 as being a second chance at Psalm 34:8.
I’m thinking its time to climb on a plane and fly or chat it up with some strangers. What are you afraid of that may be keeping you from trusting in Gods goodness?