I called her a burn scraper. Yeah. I’ve never been great with conversations. That explains why that was my intro into telling her how through asking hard things of me, she was helping me to heal.
See, when I woke up in recovery I knew in my heart I’d never be the same. (Funny they should name it that, because I wasn’t recovering.) The doctors and nurses played it all off, but I knew. Gasping for air and unable to tell anyone why or what or how I was feeling. Strip a persons voice from them and they’ll be at your mercy. Whatever you or any other well meaning people want to say they need, are, want, feel… That becomes their new identity or prison.
My sister said that after Granny had her stroke, she felt trapped in her own body. That’s accurate.
You know what Satan says about your gifts? “You aren’t very good, and you certainly aren’t as good as_____. Just sing in the car; God hears you there and it’s for Him anyway.” Lose your gift and you know what he says? “Well you blew that. You didn’t use it and now you’ve got nothing to give God. You aren’t useful to Him now.”
So when someone strokes your arm and tells you the doctors say she’s only got 18 months at best, and she just wants to hear you sing. What can you say? I’d like to tell you that I didn’t care; that there were several other people in the room or that I wasn’t weighing my options, but that’d be false. I did know I didn’t have much, but I love her and what I had was enough for her so she could have it.
So I sang.
Then there was the time we were setting in the foyer after service talking. That same bald head wrapped in what the best I could tell was a turban of glory ask me to do it again. Yeah, that isn’t awkward. Just bust into song. Right there. As if I’m worthy of hosting some concert, and these people have nothing better to do than be my groupies.
So I sang.
Then that time after Satan lost and she had a silver crown of curly hair as a trophy to prove it. She came to the seat behind me cupped a shoulder in each hand and ask me to stand and sing. In the second pew from the front, in front of everyone, I found my feet.
And I sang.
She had the guts to obey God and scrape at the raw places. Because if cancer taught her anything it was that to really recover you had to endure. And if cancer made her anything it made her strong enough and brave enough to do the painfully pious.
I stood there with my back to the crowd and laid it all out. The little 10% of the one vocal cord that works; sang. This time I realized I wasn’t singing for Becky or because of cancer or for the ability to avoid regrets over not granting her a dying wish. I didn’t have much but I love Him and what I had was enough for Him so He could have it. And He did want it; like He wants the widow’s mites. It isn’t much but it’s everything I have, and it’s what he wants, and He says it’s enough.
So yeah, funny that my right cord is completely paralyzed and I have 10% on the left because that’s all God ask of us. Our 10%.
So I sing.